March 31, 2017

In the name of self love

My 30th birthday took place about a week ago and I am thrilled to be in this new stage of life. I am ready for and open to change. Many rave about how great the 30's are and I am going into it believing their words! I also know it's up to me to make personal changes, set goals, and get uncomfortable in order for said greatness to occur. 

I've recently realized that this year, 2017, is already proving to be different in a really good way. Why? I went into the New Year without any goals. Well, there was one and it was to quit taking naps. Ask me how that goal is going and I'll get back to you after my nap. But that was it. I guess I was just a little bit over this and that and mainly just wanted change in so many areas that I just didn't set any goals at all. In summary, a handful of things were heavily affecting me in a negative way and I felt that any self worth that I did have was being drained. Too many days were going by where at the end of the day I would experience feelings of frustration, impatience, anger, sadness, jealousy, confusion, or guilt. Depending on the day the feelings ranged and related mostly to how I viewed myself as a mother, difficulty in working through conflict with loved ones, or the completely exhausting and never ending battle of negative body image (aka, I hate the way I look). 

April begins tomorrow and I have to say that the first quarter of this year has taken me complete surprise and has made me truly excited for what's to come. And just to preface the following things I am about to write, I just need to say that I am by no means trying to make myself sound amazing or accomplished. Trust me, I shouldn't have even been writing in past tense above because I am still battling every day with negative issues taking place inside my own crazy brain. With that being said, here's a few things that have randomly taken place over the last 3 months. 

One day I woke up and decided that I wanted to start working. 
So I did. I know what you're thinking, and you're right. Being a full time mom IS working and the truly the hardest job. But I am talking about the work where you physically leave your home and your family and go to another location and then receive income for tasks completed. It's the first place I've worked since I became a mom over 3 1/2 years ago. I was scared and intimidated and surrounded mostly by young college age people 10 years younger than me.  And you know what? I love it. It's very minimal. Maybe 10 hours a week split between a couple of nights. It's a very trendy place that a lot of trendy people go and my mom self has just fit right in. I go when Bodie is home to be with the kids, and I enjoy being there. I play with make-up and other beauty products, I have adult conversations (my favorite!), and then I go home to my sweet family who missed me dearly and its just the most perfect break to do my own thing. To feel important and needed outside of the walls of my home. The best part and the reason I even went to work in the first place? Because I often found myself being massively impatient with my kids and handing them off to Bodie when he would walk in the door so I could go breath for an hour by myself. [Enter emotion: guilt, frustration, impatience, sadness, and jealousy of other moms who seem to be lots better than me.] It's helping me to be a better mom which is one of the things I have really beat myself up about. Taking those hours each week away from my house has given me more patience which is exactly what I have needed and what I have been longing for. It also has given Bodie a chance to spend more quality time with the kids which they are loving, and let's face it, its given him a glance into the life of a stay at home mom. Any other moms out there who enjoy a good break from the bedtime routine? 

Another day I woke up and decided to learn more about addiction 
and I began attending classes. At the time I did not understand addiction. I didn't speak it's language, or know how to speak to the people struggling with it. People in my life, specifically. And quite honestly I just did not have the patience for it. I made the decision to learn more about it and how to cope with loved ones who are chained down by it. Without going into the details I will just say that I have had my fair share of loved ones struggling badly with this in various forms and I simply have not ever known how to support them, understand them, or really even have a relationship with them. [Enter emotion: guilt, sadness, anger, frustration, confusion..] I began taking weekly classes and have felt immense peace and a lot better understanding of addiction in general. I still don't understand everything about it, but significant "light bulb" moments have gone off in my mind and I understand a whole lot more than I did 14 weeks ago when I began. It is by far one of the best things I have done for myself after years of sorrow, frustration, and confusion. One thing is for sure, I no longer have feelings of "Just get over it. Just don't (insert addiction here)..." Knowledge is power, right?

Lastly, one day I woke up and decided to take on the Whole 30 diet. 
It was a Friday and I realized that I had exactly 30 days left in my 20's. One month left to do whatever I wanted before turning 30. It was a Friday and I decided to go for it. It just made sense. I text Bodie, "Bodie I have one more month in my 20's. I want to accomplish something hard and end on a good note. I want to do Whole 30. Will you do it with me?" Of course he said yes. So we began that day. And that in and of itself was a huge accomplishment. Not only beginning, but beginning on a Friday. Because we all know that we usually start diets on Monday because weekends are the hardest to get through! My body is not my friend. In fact, I have an entirely separate post about this topic ready to be shared but I am too afraid and I'm not sure when or if I ever will press the publish button. But what I can say is that for the first time in almost 4 years I am mentally and emotionally where I need to be in order to make changes that will allow me to have the self love that I am longing for....because it is nearly non existent. [Enter emotion: guilt that I don't seem to have control over what eat (addiction, anyone??), anger, frustration, jealousy of all my skinny mom friends and moms that I don't even know, and a whole lot of inner sadness (I hide it well).] I don't mean to get all pouty or negative, just being honest. I just finished one full month of the Whole 30/Paleo diet where any and all dairy, grains, processed foods, and added sugars were off limits. It was a month where the only liquid that touched my lips was water, and lots of protein, potatoes, fruits, and vegi's were consumed. What was most exciting about it was that it wasn't very hard for me, which tells me that my mind was/is ready. I have done one week of whole 30 before, January of last year, and it was rough, let me tell you. This time around was very different. Yes I still battled some cravings but for the most part it just worked for me. I never once felt like quitting, and just took it day by day. I learned more about this body of mine, and recognized both good and bad eating habits. I hope that I will be able to share the details of my health and fitness journey because I think it's gonna be something special and it's just the beginning. I lost 13 lbs during the month and I am very proud of that. I have a goal to lose another 20.  It was a great note to end my 20's on. Day 30 ended the day before my birthday, intentionally. It was a pretty awesome birthday gift that I earned completely on my own and I looking forward to continuing it after a little break this week. 

My favorite part is that none of this has been planned, it has just happened. Sure, I have been thinking and complaining, and wishing for months..maybe even years... but I guess I am just ready to act and it feels really good. It's like my mind and body are longing for change and sick of waiting and putting things off. Change with in me as a mother, with loved ones, and for my health...Really just for me. For self love. Which, in return, affects my kids, my family, my friends, and everyone around me. Taking steps to take care of me. Just recently all of this sort of came together in my mind and I am very excited for what else I am led to this year. I certainly feel a change taking place within me. It feels good to actually do versus think about doing. 

Thanks for stopping by, friends! I know I don't post often but I do love writing and sharing and appreciate all your love and support! 


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